Nicole McLean

In 2008 Nicole McLean’s life was right on target. She was 38 years old and had just started thinking seriously about settling down, finding a husband and raising a family. She decided it was high time to focus on taking a stable job, so she opted for a position with a Fortune 100 company. She even started dating a nice, normal guy who’d been a friend forever.

In May of that year her father had a brain aneurysm which put him into intensive care. Nicole still lives at home and is very close to her family, so her father’s situation really shook her up. Not wanting to upset her mother, she took a shower so she could cry without anyone hearing her. It was during this shower she discovered a breast lump. In that instant she realized she was going to have to be a grown up in more ways than one.

“I was in a doctor’s office within two weeks of my discovery,” Nicole says, “I didn’t have a primary care physician and had difficulty finding anyone who was taking new patients. When the doctor felt the lump (poor guy, this was my first meeting with him and I burst into tears) he looked concerned and sent me to a radiology center. Two days later I was having my first mammogram and an ultrasound. There I was, all excited about getting to see inside my body – talking to the technician and joking – and then she got quiet and I knew something was wrong.

“I know everyone deals with stressful situations differently, but I’ll be the first to admit my mind can be pretty weird. When I saw the lump a pop song from the 70s jumped into my head. I kept hearing the Curtis Mayfield song ‘Freddie’s Dead’ from Superfly. Now where that came from, I will never know, but I immediately named the lump Fred. And I was determined he was going to be just that – dead!

“I was talking to my mom and telling her they thought they’d found some cancer and it didn’t look very good,” continues McLean.  “When I look back on that time period, it’s obvious we were all in so much denial. The hardest part for me to deal with was that one day I was perfectly fine and the next day I felt perfectly fine but I had cancer. Even when I was going through treatment I’d have those moments where I’d think, why am I here?”

Luckily for Nicole, her surgeon was a young Asian woman who had also had breast cancer. “She completely understood what I was thinking and feeling, which was so helpful. She explained the whole process to me and also made herself so available; I don’t know what I would have done without her.”

The surgeon recommended an oncologist for Nicole who had done a study on breast cancer in African American women that indicated their cancer tends to be more aggressive. After reading more about him online, she felt confident putting her life in his hands and was grateful he could squeeze her in as a patient.

Nicole had multiple tumors in her left breast with some lymph node involvement, so she began chemotherapy first. One of the tumors was very close to her ribcage, which was a concern for everyone. She had only been on her new job a few weeks, so she was determined to work through her treatments, saying, “My plan was to have chemo on Thursday and then be back to work on Monday. When I relayed this to my doctor he said I don’t think that’s gonna’ work. But I thought I was a young, strong woman and could do whatever I set my mind to.

“The first round wasn’t so bad. I just felt like I had a flu bug. By the time I got to the second round, I felt miserable. I was hurting so bad. When I rubbed my hand across my hair I’d come away with a handful of hair. When I’d get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I looked like a wet squirrel. To make matters worse, I’d worn my hair really, really close for about 12 years, so it had been quite some time since I’d had long hair – so of course that would be when I’d lose it! I felt so robbed and assaulted. I looked like I’d had a date with a weed whacker. My dad had recovered from his illness by then, so I was going to have him shave my head, but I decided to spare both of us that trauma and just jumped in the shower and shaved it all off myself.”

An issue that is always a concern to young women is how treatment is going to affect their fertility. In order to attempt to preserve her fertility, Nicole’s ovaries were shut down as a precautionary measure. “My period hasn’t come back yet. When I looked into trying to save eggs it was very expensive. Not only that, but my oncologist was very concerned about having me take the time necessary to harvest them. My cancer was very aggressive, so he didn’t want to take any chances. Since I’m an only child, this was not only devastating to me, but to my parents as well. We looked at it that it was more important to save my life. The cancer center I went to is so wonderful. They told me about all sorts of patients who got pregnant after their treatments, so my attitude is if it happens it will, and if it doesn’t, that’s okay. Don’t get me wrong. I was upset not just about the possibility of not being able to have children, but also about losing my breast. I think I cried every day for about six months. I cried right up until I had my mastectomy. When I woke up from the surgery, that was the end of my tears.”

As a way to communicate what was going on with her, and to help her mom not have to get bogged down retelling friends and family about both Nicole and her father’s progress, Nicole started a blog. Initially it was designed simply to relay information, but as she began writing, Nicole realized the process was very healing. What evolved was My Fabulous Boobies! A single sista regaining her life, looking for love and learning to go with the flow... after fighting breast cancer.

“I never thought for a minute that people who don’t know me would be interested in what I have to say,” laughs Nicole. “But it’s the darnedest thing, people seem to gravitate towards something they know is honest and real. I never started the blog to educate anyone. That was the farthest thing from my mind, but I’m so humbled that this is what has transpired. I’ve even had a few speaking engagements as a result. I get a lot of young black women who are newly diagnosed who go to my blog and we’ve become friends. I think I would have lost my mind if I hadn’t done it because what I was feeling was too big to hold to myself!”

So just where has Nicole’s life path taken her in the two years since her diagnosis? Well, the boyfriend is now back to being just a friend. She no longer has the Fortune 100 job, and her prospects for starting a family are pretty much on hold for the moment. These developments might be pretty overwhelming to anyone but Nicole. Since she lives in the DC area she’s thinking seriously about finding work with the Federal government so she can have a steady paycheck and benefits. And in true Nicole McLean style she says, “I figure I can do that until I publish my book and make a million dollars! I’ve reclaimed my ability to dream, so look out, J.K. Rowling!”

You know, that’s a target she just might hit.